Fresh Look

Fabulous Looks Don’t Guarantee a Fabulous Relationship!

On a Saturday night, in the middle of a blazing hot summer, two friends sat in their favorite bistro dishing about their love lives. As usual, Rita and Joy–who are both “smokin’ hot”–wondered how they always ended up hangin’ out with each other on Saturday nights, instead of with awesome, doting boyfriends. Gi, another friend whose boyfriend happened to be away that weekend, decided to join them. She was the “lucky” of the three–her boyfriend was faithful, honest, and really good looking! “How do you do it?” Rita and Joy asked. Her answer amused them: “A friend of a friend once said, ‘be a homemaker not a homewrecker; be a heartbreaker, not a tramp!’”
R-What’s that supposed to mean?
G- Well, we already know the importance of honesty, patience, and confidence in keeping up a great relationship. That’s what it means to be a homemaker. But to unlock the other secret, you need another essential quality: self esteem. Being a heartbreaker means knowing how and when to say no, and having enough respect for yourself to never compromise your self-esteem.
J-Really?
G-Sure. Back in the seventies when it was “cool” to be single, popular movies, books, and Blackploitation films glamorized the hip single chic. Like Foxy Brown, women celebrated their independent lifestyles. The eighties and nineties boom and bust made marriage more practical and sometimes necessary. Now, in the 2000s, more women covet great relationships but want their independence too. Too often they discover that a great guy is hard to find.
J-What is it that’s kept so many women from “having it all” in the 2000’s?
G-Even modern-day “icons” of Beauty–like Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, Halle Berry, J-Lo, Sandra Bullock, Elin Nordigren, Maria Shriver, Scarlett Johansson, and Rihanna–begrudgingly showed all of us that fabulous looks don’t guarantee a fabulous relationship. Perhaps it’s as simple as–if you don’t truly believe you deserve a good man, you won’t get one. But if your image of yourself changes–if you accept yourself as beautiful and deserving of no less than the best–you will.
G-I don’t think I have time for all of that, Gi.
J-I just don’t think I have what it takes. My career takes up most of my time, Gi, and you know how picky my family is about my friends.
G-Maybe, you’re both just afraid you don’t deserve to have it all. It’s up to you to define the parameters of your own life. And those parameters are vastly different for us in the new millennium. The question of status, profession, and looks is a double-edged sword. As women become more accomplished, they still confront the same barriers and stereotypes as many did years ago–even as women like Oprah change how they define their own success. Every successful woman faces this conundrum almost every day.
J-I know that, but-
R-So you’re saying that, from a modern women’s perspective, we have to build our self-esteem so that we can challenge the double standards confronting us. Then, when a good man comes along, we can keep him, and when a bad one shows up on our doorstep, we can tell him to step off.
G-Exactly!
R-Maybe it is possible to find love ….
J-Is that how you and Jim stayed so marvelously in love for so many years?
G- It’s because we share so many of the same quirks and passions. But at the same time, he understands and respects me because I’ve defined a life of my own. And he knows that I won’t compromise myself or my beliefs for anyone. That’s what we have in common.

Rita, Joy, and Gi finished their evening tête-à-tête a lot more energized. They decided to meet a week later and come up with their own “guide” for building self-esteem. They “mused”–maybe then Rita and Joy could find great guys too.
When the trio met at the bistro the next Saturday evening, they had finished their short “treatise.” They all agreed that self-esteem is one of the secrets to finding someone who’s right for you, not someone who is “kind of” what you’re looking for. How? Have self-confidence that originates from within, along with a positive attitude and self-image. This also means knowing that you won’t “settle” for less than what you want. And they acknowledged that they all deserve someone who deserves them! And that might mean taking risks to make it happen. Their “treatise” outlined ten vital points:

1. When you first meet someone, if you’re interested, let him know your views and talk about yourself in a positive, confident, light. How we view and treat ourselves makes all the difference when it comes to a how others view and treat us. We should keep in mind what Barbara De Angelis points out in The Real Rules: use your mind, not just your looks, to interest someone. Be smart. This shows self-respect.

2. To keep his interest, don’t be overly frustrated if things don’t always go as expected. Like a of verse of jazz, love can be improvised–just as writers like Collins, Sparks, and Morrison often remind us. Then, when someone in whom you’re interested “looks” your way, he won’t be able to bear looking anywhere else.

3. As the relationship gets going, don’t sell yourself short. It’s okay to keep the mystery alive even long after someone special has come into your life. As a matter of fact, it’s necessary! Pouring your heart out too soon could be seen as a lack of emotional independence–”neediness”–and might scare him away. Several experts point out that, contrary to popular belief, there are lots of men looking for emotional fulfillment in a relationship. As you get to know him, don’t expect anything less.

4. Draw the line. Age, profession, and race are all understandable measures of compatibility. But also, like Mama Gina says, know exactly what you will and will not accept when it comes to his personality and lifestyle; and let him know in a fun, unfettered way. Show confidence and humor at the same time as you reveal your personality. This way, you won’t seem like a push-over or a nag. This means–have standards, but don’t be inflexible! If he plays hard to get, see it as an opportunity to grow, learn, and initiate adventure. On the flip side, if you see warning signs of possible problems, don’t try to “fix” him, look elsewhere, fast!

5. Don’t be intimidated by opinions of family and friends, especially if they discourage you. How often have we heard a friend or relative say, “Oh he’s not good enough for you!” or, “Oh, you need to date a doctor or a lawyer.” Assess whether or not they are aware of your needs, and make sure they understand what matters: his appeal to you.

6. Avoid “relationship distractions.” Try not to get so caught up in particulars that you lose sight of the big picture. While you appreciate the finer points of each others’ personalities and lifestyles, remember your self-esteem: you have a life of your own and want to share that with him. If one of his past relationships seems to hinder this, let him know that’s something you won’t tolerate.

7. As the relationship moves forward, don’t underestimate the power and importance of honesty. Get his respect by being true to yourself and to him. Share with him what you’re passionate about. Be straightforward. Ask for what you want.

8. Be comfortable with who you are and he’ll be comfortable with you.

9. Don’t take him for granted. What you say is just as important as how you say it, especially if he’s willing to improve himself and “work on” the relationship. As business news reporter Jennifer Lewis Hall declares in her book, Life is a Journey, Not a Sprint (Hay House, Inc., 2003), never underestimate the power of communication–and listening. Your understanding and patience will enhance your journey with him, and more likely endear him to you and your quirks, needs, and wishes. A “worthwhile” man wants someone with confidence who can also respect and cherish his place in the world. And remember–learning how to give unconditionally, without expecting something in return, is part of this journey.

10. Like Halle and Jen, Reese and Demi, Nicole and Elin, many women discover that resilience enhances and reinforces a successful life–and it’s also an indispensable part of self-esteem. So, be resilient–be inspired not discouraged by a challenge or a setback. Just as the song says: “we fall down, but we get up.” Move on from difficult experiences by putting them into perspective–this can lead to a fulfilling, happy relationship. If you see yourself having it all–envision the kind of life you want and deserve–it can happen. Finally, a great relationship can and will be yours!

Three months later, the café was busy as usual and it was Saturday night, but Rita, Joy, and Gi were nowhere in sight–they all happily spent the weekend with their honest, faithful, great-looking boyfriends!